angst cycle (iii) — [N] (vii)

this is partially why i hate being here
it’s not just the Gift
it’s the feelings the emotions have me hold
they’ll go
it’ll all go
but i’ll miss the company
but i can’t have the company
otherwise they won’t go
but i can’t bear the place i was put
the fucking horrible place

the only time i’ve felt emotion
as bad and strong as this
is immediately after
the death of my mother

that though was continuous
for a few days
this rebounds from calm to distress
as and when
half the waking day
not all

the next few days
will see it decline
and then
soon
i’ll be able to say to myself
sod it
find a decent bar
an idiotic conversation

move on